so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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