You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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