Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
