If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Who wears a wallet chain?!
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
