FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
