And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
