When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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