I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
