I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
