I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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