a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
