I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
