how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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