wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
