I'm going to rape someone's good day.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
