i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
