oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
