I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
