I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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