i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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