how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
