i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
As shirtless as possible
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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