i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
