I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill