you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
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Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
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You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.