We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.