if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol