I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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