Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i drank out of a bidet.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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