how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
