At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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