Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
