I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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