If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
