Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
