Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Congratulations! We have a period
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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