I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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