Define "chronic" masturbator.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
