Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Randomize
