And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Randomize
