Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
