if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
