i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
