If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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