so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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