Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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