he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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