You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
