My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
