Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
The best revenge is premature balding
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
