When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
if only i could text you this smell
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
not ubering you a puppy
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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