She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize