not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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