He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
