I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
