Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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