you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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