Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
