so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
