so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
