New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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