Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
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I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
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What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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